One way to create a successful marriage is to have successful communication in your relationship and grow your communication skills. These 5 communication mistakes spouses make will destroy a marriage.
When my husband and I first met everything was happy and sweet. I was twitterpated and he had that beautiful sparkle in his eyes that made my heart melt.
We took the time to learn about each other and eventually we married. But our marriage hasn’t always been beautiful, sunny walks in the park while holding hands. Truthfully, some days have been downright discouraging and difficult, even to the point of wanting to give up.
Truth be told, all marriages have their challenges and difficulties. It’s so easy to take our spouse for granted and think they’ll always be there for us. Plus, some people think that they feel like they don’t have to try as hard to impress their sweetheart because now they’re married and everything will be like it was when they were dating.
This is one of the biggest lies that you can tell yourself.
It’s important to understand that successful marriages take work, a lot of it. And while you and your spouse are working on strengthening your marriage there is also one area that CANNOT be neglected: communication.
There are 5 communication mistakes spouses make in their marriage and they can easily be fixed if both partners are willing to recognize when they make them. What are they? And how do you fix them?
5 Communication Mistakes Spouses Make & How to Fix Them
1. Talking to be Heard, Not to be Understood
When heated arguments arise and both parties are trying to talk there comes a point when both are talking to be heard. For example: if your spouse does something you don’t agree with and your original intention was to mention your feelings about his actions. But, when your spouse defends his choice and both of you get into a heated debate – this is talking to be heard, not to be understood.
(Resolve). Talking to be understood means seeing your spouse from their perspective and how your choices or words make them feel.
One of the best things to realize right now is that you’re no longer single. All of your choices will affect your spouse and you need to put an emphasis on building your marriage up and not taking each other for granted.
2. Always Having the Last Word
It was a few years into our marriage when my husband finally (and loudly) told me, “You always have to have the last word, don’t you?!”
He called me out on a pain-point in our marriage. And he was right. For some reason, I grew up always feeling like I had to win my arguments, (maybe it was because I was raised in a large family with more opinions than seeds in a watermelon).
This is something I struggle with when those debates and discussions come up in our marriage, and it’s a conscious choice that you will have to mentally make yourself.
You will have to tell yourself, “it’s okay if you don’t have the last word.” The priority needs to be placed on resolving the issue at hand, not winning the argument or saving your ego.
3. Putting Pride before Priority
Speaking of saving your ego, I’m going to share some really tough love with you. Here it is: when you put your ego and opinions first and don’t consider the issue at hand, you’re setting your marriage up for failure.
You and your spouse need to start focusing on each other (your marriage is your priority), the issue at hand, and taking the time to communicate clearly so the issue is resolved regardless of anyone’s ego.
I know feelings are hurt and tender, tensions are high, and talking to your spouse might be the last thing you want to do. You cannot sit and let the problem boil and fester inside of you. You and your spouse need to be willing to take all the time that is necessary to sit down and discuss the issue at hand.
Talking to your spouse and bringing the issue up might be uncomfortable at first, but be willing to put your ego aside and talk things out.
4. Making your Partner Feel Alone
Do you remember feeling alone when you were in the “dating stages” when you were first getting to know your spouse? Hopefully never, right? Both of you were excited to see each other, get to know one another, and you were both on your best behavior and trying to impress the other person.
Well, why did that stop? Are you getting too comfortable with each other? Is your marriage not as much of a priority for your two anymore? Are you replacing your spouse with other things (whether it’s friends, movies, activities, work, etc.)?
If spouses are unintentionally making each other feel alone, then this needs to be quickly addressed and you need to sit down together and talk about date night ideas or “pillow talk” time together. These feelings don’t have to be in a marriage if they can be helped. (My husband is in law school and I’m the primary caregiver for three active children – believe me, I know what it’s like to feel alone).
However, if a spouse is intentionally trying to make their partner feel alone out of revenge or because there are hurt feelings, I’m going to share two words with you: STOP IT!
If you want your marriage to fail, it’s going to fail. But, if you’re willing to communicate with your spouse, express how you feel, and be willing to listen to each other, then there is still hope for your marriage.
5. Assuming – No Clear Direction
Never assume what your spouse is thinking of feeling. One of the worst things to say to your spouse is, “I thought you said…” Please, don’t put words where they shouldn’t go, especially not in your spouse’s mouth.
You and your spouse are partners and equals in a beautiful marriage. You need to make your marriage more of a priority than when you were both dating if you want to succeed.
Both of you can sit down and set clear standards and expectations so when misunderstanding and miscommunication arises, there will be more sympathy than “I thought you said…” moments.
As you and your spouse take the time to understand each other, work together to build each other up, and place a high priority on your relationship then you will start seeing success in your communication.
Remember, successful marriages are not built overnight, but they are created and maintained by daily actions of love, selflessness, and devotion.
What’s the best marriage advice you have received that has strengthened your marriage? Or what is something you’re currently struggling with? Share with our community in the comments below.
Micah Klug is a wife, homeschooling mother to five children, and author. She teaches time-tested solutions to help parents remember what matters most in life, including strengthening their home, faith, and family relationships. To learn how a child who grew up in an authoritarian home is now creating an environment of peace and joy in her own home visit this page. If you want to contact Micah, send her an email here or email [email protected].
This is great. I love that you mentioned making sure your spouse isn’t feeling alone. Intentionality is something that needs to be continuously worked on throughout a marriage to make sure you are in everything together!
Thank you, Jennifer.
Wonderful post. Our difficulty has been both of us wanting the last word. We’re coming up on our 25th anniversary in October, so we’ve been working through that ‘last word’ issue and have pretty much figured it out but sometimes we both still forget. 🙂
Congratulations on your marriage! What a wonderful accomplishment. You are right when you say to keep working through the difficulties in a marriage, it’s so important that we do this with our spouses.